After placing this mirror I’ve caught my reflection several times passing by in various stages of disrobing. A curiousity began to rise. Who in the world was this person reflected in my mirror? She looks like me — sort of. Or what I perceive myself to be.
In my early college days and into my 20’s up to 30 I suppose — I was Anorexic and Bulemic. A very secret society I had joined and sought to be in deseperately. I was obsessed with my weight mainly because my then husband expected perfection. If I’m just a wee bit skinnier I’ll obtain the love I so craved from him. I’m 5-9 with my lowest weight being 98. I hovered some mornings around 95 to 97. I would smile as I stood on the scales – charting in on the calendar by the refrigerator so that he could see just how dedicated I was to being who I knew he wanted me to be. With his words in my head ‘you can never be too rich or too thin’.
I was a master of moving my food around on my plate. ‘Yes — delicious – thank you very much’ as I sat back looking at my abstract food display pushed to the edge of the plate. I began laying awake at night, my heart pounding, scared. When did I last eat? Ignoring the pain in my stomach and chest.
So here I am on the cusp of being an actual adult (never). I turn 50 this year. Still feeling like an 8 year old jumping to 12 and full fledged mommy bear with my kids. I suppose we all reflect on who we are, how we got here, choices made and who in the world is this person looking at me in my full-length mirror. I smile at myself looking back at me.
I’ve been paying more attention as I’ve crept up to 50. I’ve lost weight – I’m exercising – every now and then the urge to purge creeps into my thoughts but I push it away. What an unhealthy lifestyle I cannot ever let that happen again. I’m basically very happy with who I am. I have two lovely children who I am extremely proud of. One is a more complicated (very) relationship and the other is watching to see where she goes sort of mode.
My sense of who I am is pretty concrete. I’m far from perfect but strive to always learn and grow. When you stop learning you stop living. Always trying to better myself. My body shows the wear and tear of being a mother. Two c-sections, weight gain, weight loss. If you ever have the good fortunate (laughing at that) of seeing me in a bathing suit or otherwise — you’ll have to love me for who I’ve become. Or not. I don’t have room in my life for anyone who is critical or negative. No one is perfect. Not even Brad Pitt — although he’s pretty darn close. I chuckled just now thinking about Brad Pitt seeing me naked — I scared the girls (aka Olive, Finnegan & Piper – the pugs). It was more of a snortle (chuckle and snort- I’m gifted you see).
I go back to — love who you are. Strive to be healthy and add to your mental well being. We are all these amazing works of art – each different with good bad and the ugly. Mostly good I think.
And I have to add the photo below. I just came across this and love it. The ‘what ifs’. Most of my greatest moments have been in failure – because I fly the next time. You can’t appreciate the highs if there are no lows. Or in a girls world – the reason we have so many shoes is because there are so many high heels and so many flats to try on. Just like life.